|Saturday, January 16th, 2010|
1:17 am - f (2).
ramble ramble ramble.|
insecure. ramble. insecure. alcohol.
god. damn. it.
current mood: insecure
|Sunday, January 10th, 2010|
10:25 pm - Spring? semster 2010
The end of my break is here. I'm less than thrilled.|
I did have a nice break. I was, maybe, a bit too caught up in my own little world, but it was absolutely wonderful.
I just hope this semester is good. I'm really going to try. I'll have my routine down. School, gym, work, sleep.
I need to improve myself. I think if I do, I'll have more confidence and maybe be happier overall.
I suppose if nothing else it's also a distraction (kind of).
Hopefully everything stays like this. It's going so well!
I'm so scared.
My schedule is pretty good, the only thing that sucks is I do have some looooong breaks on Tueday and Thursday. I'm hoping the gym and books will help there though.
I think it's going to be good.
current mood: sick
|Tuesday, January 5th, 2010|
12:07 am - 2010?
So I'm thinking this could be a good year. |
If I can calm myself the fuck down.
Day one is always the worst anyway, and they suck less from there.
I just need to remember that everything is okay.
Jealousy is starting to become an issue for me, I need to keep that in check.
I don't like feeling this way, and I don't want to.
It hasn't affected anything yet, or even gotten out of hand.
I just wanted to make a note of it.
I like being alone in the apartment, which actually sounds pretty terrible.
I love Andrea (or rather I tell her I do when I like her quite a bit most of the time), but she is a bit difficult. Sometimes I can't handle her, sometimes I don't want to talk, sometimes I just want to mope around.
But it's nice that she's there for me when I need her, I try to do the same. It is getting a little complicated that I'm with her friend...she needs more attention than we give.
I kind of wish Tim was here. He can always cheer me up when I get like in a funk like this.
As lonely as I am, tonight I don't want to be around anyone.
I need to get more comfortable being alone. I think the distance will help with that.
My head needs to become a safe place to be. Right now I'm going back and forth between content and not-so-much.
I guess it's just the routine. He was here for two weeks, about a week of which we were together every minute of each day.
So going from a very high number to zero just unnerves me. I suppose because I am so insecure. I'm working on that though, so hopefully my efforts will be rewarded with a general feeling of calm.
I really hope tomorrow I'll feel better.
Rationally, I do understand that we are going to be apart. He's going to leave, there will be nights we don't talk, and that's okay. It's actually really good.
I just need to remember that he is going to come back.
Dammit insecurity...stop doing that thing!
I didn't get to see Jamie before he went to France for the semester.
current mood: disappointed
|Monday, December 28th, 2009|
10:05 pm - Hm, okay...so what does this mean?
Communication is just not my strong point.|
What does it mean? I'm just really not sure, because there were some pretty strong opinions on it at first.
But maybe that changed?
Maybe now it's just going through the motions, and not significant at all?
That would suck.
But I won't talk about it, no sir. I don't want to piss anyone off, or cause any confrontation.
After what happened last time, I don't think I want it anyway.
Still the same, baby baby, still the same.
Few weeks until the semester starts, and I'm determined to make it a good one.
Distance is good, because it gives me time to focus on myself, and my work.
I need to get this figured out, I can't keep feeling this way.
Art is one cruel mistress, and photography more so.
Why couldn't I just like math. Or not care?
I miss apathy, I miss numb. Not the depressed, *can't force myself out of bed* numb. That I do not miss in any way, because it won't go away.
Sometimes I really wish I had no heart.
Okay, that's not entirely true...MOST of the time I wish I had no heart.
Pro, my friends absolutely fucking rule. And I have a very wonderful family. ((Con I miss my brother like crazy)).
Lion King night <3
current mood: excited
|Sunday, December 13th, 2009|
11:15 pm - Hello again, friend!
It doesn't hurt anymore, just sometimes irks my dreams. |
I guess my subconscious isn't safe, but that sort of goes without saying.
I've woken up mad, or sad, but the last couple times that got canceled out by something better.
I think it's actually going well. Distance is difficult, of course, but I think I'm handling it okay.
Jealousy hasn't gotten out of hand, or even really lasted. (It's actually kind of scary how easily/much I trust him).
I'm working on just being comfortable.
Usually when he leaves I throw myself into a frenzy because, even though everything is great, wonderful, I convince myself something is (or will be) wrong. I'm trying to stop that.
I guess in that way I don't trust him yet, but I am working on it.
We talked about...baggage. He was understanding, and he's being patient with me. I hope I am getting better, at least a little. Again, I'm trying. He makes it so...easy.
I'm so scared.
All of this is petty, and ridiculous, but it's helping me sort my head out.
One last final Tuesday, and then I'm officially on break. This semester was...interesting. Intense. Difficult. Bullshit. Full of some regrets, and several wonderful memories.
I hope my GPA is decent. It should be, but I always get so scared to check my grades. I won't have done worse than any other semester, hopefully I come out better.
I'm so excited to just be working for the next month. No assignments to take home, less stress...time to recover. The Spring will be even better, I think. My classes are good next semester, I'm feeling motivated(as of right now, anyway), and I'm happy.
So here's hoping everything doesn't go to shit, and that I can get rid of that annoying bitch in my head who keeps telling me it's going to.
current mood: calm
|Thursday, October 22nd, 2009|
1:35 am - Calm Before.
I absolutely live for the weekend.|
I haven't been this happy in years.
((It's all going to fall apart soon))
I don't know how I'm going to do this semester.
I'm honestly only really worried about View Camera, but I think it'll be okay. Tyrone doesn't seem to mind us turning things in late, and I was working with a broken camera for the first 6 weeks.
((I'll probably end up with an F))
It's official :-)
((He'll probably break up with me soon))
I love my nail polish, and have a newly found love for wearing my glasses.
((I genuinely feel unattractive. No seeking attention, or fishing for compliments. I am CERTAIN that I am not pretty or attractive in the least bit. And it really upsets me, because I have good looking friends, so I just compare myself all the time. Also I'm very physically attracted to my boyfriend, and there's no way the feeling's mutual. I'm feeling very insecure and it's really upsetting me. I know it's irrational and superficial, but I just want to be pretty))
I miss Einstein.
((All I keep hearing is how shitty Jeremy is doing. He's depressed, and unmotivated, and can't bring himself to work, eat, go out, anything. This overwhelming sense of guilt is not helping things)) < I think that was two negatives, but I didn't have a good transition I guess.
My head feels...icky. Time for my beauty sleep LMAO!
current mood: cynical
|Wednesday, October 7th, 2009|
12:12 am - Paranoid!
Everything seems to be going well...|
Okay, not so much school wise. I'm stressed beyond belief, and can barely manage my time.
Midterms will hopefully go well, and view camera...well, if I can swing a C I'll be happy :-/
But I feel okay. Like, generally okay with my life and how everything is going. I love my friends, I do actually enjoy my classes, and I get to dance again.
So I'm pretty sure something dreadful is going to happen to take it all away.
Because my theory is nothing stays good for long.
It's terrible, but I'm hoping it's that I fail a midterm, or fuck up a class...
I'm sick of being sad all the time. I just want to be happy.
Fuck it, I want to be neutral all the time.
Yeah, I'm stressed, but I'm not carrying around this heavy feeling in my chest.
I'm not unhappy, I'm just really busy.
I feel pressure, but it's all in my head, not in my heart.
It's a great feeling, living this way.
I'm not even...scared. I'm comfortable.
Something is going to get screwed up, and it's going to destroy me. I'm calling it.
So it goes.
current mood: anxious
|Friday, October 2nd, 2009|
1:43 am - F.
He's literally begging for me back.|
And I don't know what to do.
My head is screaming no.
My heart is saying no at a reasonable volume, and every once in a while whispering yes.
But...I don't know!
I wish this wasn't happening, I'm not equipped to handle things like this.
Why can't it just be easy? I know I don't want to be with him. I think.
Too much history.
He says he's different, that no one will ever be as happy as I am if I'm with him. He's going to spend the rest of his life making me happy. No one else is good enough for me, I'm too good for anyone who isn't him...
But, there's the other one. Who may or may not be a lost cause, I don't know. I want him to want me.
Fuck. This....seriously. I can't do this. I just want things to be simple.
I'd like very much to turn off my heart for a while,
I guess I'll try and go numb.
I hope it works, because if I keep feeling as much as I do...I'm going to break.
|Monday, September 28th, 2009|
If I end up regretting this...I'm going to feel like an idiot.|
That's what he said..."you'll regret this."
((And I think he was right)).
Just when I start thinking everything is going to work out, that everything is good, I get tripped up.
Maybe I should just end this now. I probably should.
Maybe I should just go back to him.
He finally wants me, and no one else does...
I can't believe I'm even thinking that.
But...the other one doesn't want me.
I keep fooling myself into think he does, that it's going to work out...
And it's not.
So what do I do? Keep going through the motions, hoping it'll work out, and then deal with the heartache as it happens?
Or just end it now, so I can start trying to get over it?
I know I shouldn't go back to him. But days like today make it hard not to.
I can't handle this.
|Friday, September 18th, 2009|
I am seriously tired of waiting. I...am...tired. I'm tired of waiting (thanks, The Trews).|
I keep waiting for that little light to blink.
Or waiting for it not to feel like this.
Waiting for it to get better.
Living week to week, ignoring (on average) 5 out 7 days.
Ignoring 20 (ish) hours of the day, just waiting for a certain 4 (ish) that make me feel good. Or even right.
That's...normal though, n'est pas? It's how people cope.
Or it's how I cope.
I'm not well equipped to handle emotion stress. Because I am actually an emotional wreck. Tout les temps.
I feel...everything. Too much.
Sociopaths feel nothing, and I am the exact opposite. That is my conclusion.
I have acknowledged that I am overly emotional, but what happens now? How do I turn that off? How do I fix it?
I need.............something. I think. Or maybe I just want something, something I could very easily do without.
And maybe that's the problem.
current mood: busy
|Monday, September 14th, 2009|
So the epic struggle between good and evil has officially ended. |
No more battles, the war is over.
There were def some casualties...family, friends, and most importantly Einstein.
My heart wasn't one of them. (I say that with no amount of certainty however).
I'm waiting for the pain to really, REALLY hit.
Yes, it hurts. Four years...FOUR YEARS. That's not something you just get over (Is it?).
But...something else has me right now, and I'm completely and totally distracted by it.
A combination of several things made it easy for me to walk away (and yes, I was the one to walk away).
One thing I def didn't expect. But it makes me smile.
Except when my head goes somewhere I don't want it to.
I can't just be happy...because I'm too scared that if I just expect everything to work out, and be okay when (not if) it doesn't it'll really destroy me. So I hold on to those negative things, and stress myself out, and worry, no matter how good things are.
Stupid defense mechanisms. Stupid trust issues.
I hate him. So much, For doing this to me, I hate him.
-"You're the worst thing that ever happened to me." -MS
I feel like I missed out on so much these last two years. I so regret all those nights I begged him to stay with me even though he told me, straight out, I was such a terrible person and he didn't even love me.
I hate that I feel worthless, and insecure, and like I'll never be good enough for anyone.
Sometimes i wonder if I had some kind of faith I'd feel better.
And no, I don't mean god, or christianity necessarily...but something to get me through those tough nights.
Some to help me feel like I'm actually worth a damn, like my life does actually mean something.
I deserve to be here, deserve to be alive...
Hoprefully I can just throw myself into school and distract myself.
Pros: "this week," going to see 9 tomorrow, my roommate, my best friends.
Cons: behind on some reading, waiting, worrying, my dad.
current mood: anxious
|Friday, August 7th, 2009|
I actually just think it's all fucking hysterical. |
And I mean, EVERYTHING.
Not in the "ha ha" kind of way though.
In the"actually really sort of sad" way.
On the one hand, I'm happy I'm out of the loop.
On the other, less dominant hand, I miss some things, some people.
I would not trade all of it, but def some of it.
(That's probably a dumb idea, but I'm in that kind of mood).
Here's what I know tonight :
1. I'm happy with my living situation. Good things.
2. I don't want my best friend to leave for school.
3. I want my brother to move home.
4. I'm very selfish.
5. I wish I didn't know love.
>Goodnight all, and thanks again LJ for another glorious return.
|Wednesday, May 14th, 2008|
Yeah...waiting is pretty much the gay.|
And everybody is pretty much pissing me off.
Okay, not everybody. But a LOT of people.
Basically, a bunch of selfish assholes who ONLY care about themselves.
I'm only useful when I'm doing favors, or providing food, or alcohol.
I actually pretty fking sick of getting used...like you don't even know.
I'm not however sick of Aqua Teen. Yet.
Or Einstein. Ever.
|Wednesday, April 30th, 2008|
I am currently sitting at U.B, at 3 00am with Jer while he works on his project.|
So OF COURSE the first thing I thought was...time to update the ol' LJ!
Newest developments in my life: Einstein. Quite literally, l'amour de mon vie, my baby. I love him, he's adorable, if you haven't met him, I assure you you're missing out. And by the way, I do realize Albert Einstein died many years ago...I'm talking about my puppy(who's not actually a puppy. He's 3).
I'm going to be living in Jer's apartment over the summer while he's in GOD DAMN New Mexico...probably having sex with people who aren't me. But I've accepted that(?) *twitch*
Have I mentioned how much I love our dog? Jer did pretty much get it for me...which was probably one of the sweetest things ever. What can I say? After Rasha died I was REALLY upset. And a fish doesn't cuddle with you...very well. And then my fish died...it was a rough couple of months.
Tully's is quite literally Hell on Earth. And I do, without a doubt, believe Hilary Clinton is the "fking anti-Christ." I'm sorry if you're a fan, but that's just my opinion. And I swear, I'm not exaggerating, I feel VERY strongly about this. The LITERAL anti-Christ. I bet she eats at Tully's a lot....and always wants a fking booth...and doesn't request it at the door, but waits for me to take her to a table(a PERFECTLY GOOD table) and then makes a bitchy face and says she wants a booth...and is all pissy at me that my psychic abilities didn't kick in so I wasn't perceptive enough to just KNOW bitch would want a booth...and it WAS me trying to personally insult her by taking her to that (ew!) table. Had NOTHING to do with the rotational seating system and that section didn't have any "boofs" open. Damn me for being so stupid!! Good thing they only barely pay me above minimum wage to do what I'm certain a monkey could be trained to do. o0o0o0o shhhhit....I'm pretty sure I just insulted the Almighty Tully's. I will probably burn in hell while Hilary regulates my torture....which will consist of seating the WEIRDEST most ANNOYING fkers(all who ironically have bad backs so they can't sit at high-top tables) in a Tully's like setting, where there will be ONE booth that EVERYONE wants to sit at.
Damn...maybe I should find a new job. Mine seems to affect me WAAAAAAY too much.
I mention again, it's 3 am and I'm pretty much just sitting around while Jeremy works.
Chai Hai Monster is REALLY good, FYI.
Other than all that...not too much is going on in my life. Officially changed my major to art, so I'll have to kill myself with classes next semester in order to make up for lost time...but I'm actually really happy. (yes Deanna, even though in 6months I will be calling you to explain that "art eats my brains." Although I doubt I'll be making a big Juicy Fruit). I feel like i have something now though, an actual goal to work towards. It's a really good feeling, being that I pretty much wasted the last year. At least a lot of my gen eds are out of the way...silver lining?
All the math in this room makes my head hurt...peace for now!
current mood: sleepy
|Wednesday, March 5th, 2008|
I am so screwed.|
and I don't mean in the good way.
Next semester...but that's what I always say.
My classes will be completely different though.
I guess i can always retake courses? But then again no.
I'm just not motivated. Because I'm not doing what I want to be doing.
This sucks. I just hope all goes well...
Too bad we're not on speaking terms or I'd pray.
Not like he cares anyway, but some people take comfort in it.
Somehow letting go just isn't all that easy when you feel like you're throwing your life away.
Anyway, I am actually in decent spirits, regardless of what this entry sounds like.
|Thursday, February 28th, 2008|
|Tuesday, February 12th, 2008|
11:18 pm - logic is fun!
So second semester is going well so far.|
Way better than the start of the fall semester. I wonder why....
That's a lie, no I don't. I know why.
I'm pretty much living with what's-his-face now...and no, we're not "back together."
Officially. or Unofficially.
We just are...ugh, he's such a Toaist bastard.
((That's right...he's a Toaist and has no father. Wanna fight about it?))
I miss Deanna.
And Tim. TIM TIM TIM.
The Simpsons will do that to me.
I <3 LJ...so much.
Screw you facebook. and Myspace.
Stuff with my dad man...I don't know. I feel like I'm doing something wrong by not being home.
But I mean, he's never home during the summer...and I spend a lot of time at camp with him then.
And he doesn't seem to mind.
We watched Across the Universe...it was nice.
I know it my mom's okay with it...besides, anytime I am home shes just making faces at me because I'm fat and my hair sucks and I'm ugly and should wear make-up.
UGH. I wish I was blond, skinny, dumb and perfect. Maybe I'll start the eating disorder tomorrow.
Until then...Family Guy, Robot Chicken, and sleep.
((...get l0 get l0 get l0...))
|Friday, November 30th, 2007|
Je pense que....non.
Je pense que j'ai besoin de mes amis que j'ai perdu.
|Friday, November 23rd, 2007|
9:25 pm - *insert profanity here*
I'll explain more later.
Je deteste les hommes. tout les temps. touts les jours.
J'aime deux hommes beaucoup. Merde...
Il y a une homme (peud etre deux ou trois) que j'aime et c'est d'accord. Parce que je n'ai pas les sentiments romantique.
Les sentiments romantique can just f-off.
current mood: aggravated
|Friday, September 28th, 2007|
5:54 pm - It's been ten weeks since I updated.
A lot has happened actually.|
Thinking back, it doesn't seem like so long ago.
But then again....yeah, it does.
I miss Deanna. a lot. I'm going to visit soon though.
I miss Ashley too...but only in the physical sense. At least we see each other at dance. And talk like, everyday.
I went back to dance! yay.
Um...Jeremy and I broke up. That's all I'm going to say. ((If you want details, ask.))
School is...hard. I miss being on my "I'm soooo smart don't have to study" high-horse. But I'm getting used to it.
Just felt like saying "hi LJ!" I missed you quite a bit.
Soccer game w. ash now...then camping. wo0t.
love you LJ.
current mood: contemplative